The past six months

So I figured since I updated my website it was finally time to update my blog since I haven't posted anything since August.

Excuse me if I sound a bit crazy like I always do but that's kinda of my right as an artist and rambling helps sort things out even if no one else reads it.

Since September I feel like I have been trying to catch my breath but something just keeps coming up. Between painting commissions, applying to grad schools, getting ready for the show at the P.L.U.M gallery and doing things like changing car taillights (while still working at least 50 hours a week and going to the gym or running religiously) I feel like my days and then months have blended together and I haven't stopped. But that's life. Everyone I talk to is always busy. I completely blame our society.

The frustrating thing is that I chose to do something in my life that allows me to evaluate some sort of meaning in this world. Something that's supposed to make you stop and realize what's important in life, and while I've decided that making art is pretty high on the list, I find that I constantly have to remember that people are just as important. I often find that I have to remind myself that friendships and family and soaking up the life that's around me is not one more thing on my to do list but a natural and essential human instinct.

Anyways I'm going to try to not ramble on like I did this past summer. I think the summer heat somehow makes me feel lonely and restless, two feelings that I hate the most and can never seem to shack. I think I've figured it out though. A few weeks ago I decide to take a break and go running on the beach right around the time the moon was the closest to Earth it had ever been in the past 18 years. I took note of all the families playing on the beach. I think it was right after the Japanese Tsunami had hit. I feel like personally I have felt very unsettled and restless the past two years but it's been building up even more the past two months and the collective restlessness of the world (between earthquakes an the economy) has only enhanced these feelings. It's comforting to know that others are feeling it too but still unnerving nonetheless. Individual energies just feed the growing apprehensiveness of the planet.

I don't really have any specific point that I'm trying to convey, just that in that moment running on the beach and watching all the kids play I was very aware of the looming ocean besides me. I had my ipod on and I somehow felt like I was in a very separate world from the people around me. As people started flocking to the beach i think it hit me that this past summer it wasn't those times that I was by myself that I felt lonely but only those times that I was in public by myself. The key to loneliness is being able to be content with being by yourself in a crowd. I know plenty of people have discovered this before me but I seemed to be having this crazy epiphany while watching the moon rise.

It also shouldn't take things like major earthquakes (or reading Tuesdays with Morrie on your lunch break) to make me recognize how busy I've let myself become.

Artist get to address all of these uncomfortable issues that it's almost taboo or cliche to mention in our society. Loneliness. Death. Love. Sex. Life. Loss. All the major themes of being human that people seem to not take the time to understand. I mean when you stop and think about it how odd are humans? We are very strange creatures. The way we act individually, as a society. The way we need each other but are too selfish and busy to truly function as a whole. It's human nature. Even the best people disappoint, it's inevitable.

Even as an artist, a person whos job it is to convey emotion, meaning, feeling in life, I find myself running around sleep and food deprived sucked up into the chaos I try to fight against as an artists to begin with.

Still, I can't imagine a life without art..without passion, feeling, music, THINKING. It's part of being human, part of life.

So I ended up rambling more than I meant to. I guess onto the important stuff. I finished the charcoal drawing from this summer. I wasn't sure if it was done but after leaving it under my bed for a few months I knew it was complete. I worked on another one this fall and the busted my ass to finish one the past few months for cellar six/ the plum gallery (it almost made me feel like I was back in school). I feel like I've really learned how to control the charcoal, almost, pushing it around like how a painter learns to manipulate paint. I've also really enjoyed playing with light and shadows.

I guess I should also mention the P.L.U.M show opening. It was really exciting to have everything up framed on the walls. The night was a blur, but that's how most show openings are. There was definitely a different feel to it than the school shows but that's to be expected.

Exciting Shadows

I wrote this post over a week ago... don't as me why it took so long to post it...

Yesterday proved to be really productive. I spent most of the day finishing the really exciting shadow at the bottom of the drawing...the reason why I picked this particular photograph to work with. The middle (to the left of it) isn't dark enough, but what I think the bigger problem is is leaving the left side unfinished. I've encountered some problems with fading things out on this drawing. I don't even think I needed someone else to tell me I needed to add value to the left side. I already knew and just didn't want to face it. In a way tho, it's exciting for me to deal with such simple things as composition. It's almost refreshing to strip everything back and just focus on formal qualities. It's also nice to feel confident enough to make those decision on my own. Although I did need someone else to see it in order to face what needed to be done. I think a lot of artists do that. We are innately designers. Even though training helps, there is something natural about being able to judge things visually. We just don't trust ourselves. It's nice to have someone look at your work with you. It makes you confront things about it even if they don't utter a word. Tomorrow I'll add all the middle value in that needs to be there and then face the rest of the composition problems I've set up for myself in this drawing.

I went grocery shopping tonight. Just a quick trip I didn't feel like dealing with raw meat tonight. Is it sad that a quarter of what I bought had something to do with caffeine and alcohol? I'm supper excited that I finally found a wine I could trust. I always forget what wine I like so it's a surprise each time I buy some. Not this time! I knew it was gonna be delicious and I refuse to forget the name of it!.

On my way to the grocery store I stopped at Barnes and Noble for some coffee and book browsing. I saw one that was titled Women Who Think Too Much and seriously considered buying it. Not gonna lie sometimes I really feel like I'm a walking cliche (at least in my head). Like I could easily be narrating a movie or book on a day to day basis. Ok now I sound crazy. I'm not really I'm not.

In other news: I FINALLY saw inception and it really was the mind-blowing experience I knew it would be. I couldn't sit still the whole time. I kept cracking my knuckles and tapping my foot. I really loved it. It's ones of those movies that you can over-analyze to pieces. Since over-analyzing is a part of my daily life this movie felt like Christmas morning. There will never ever be a final say on anything. It's just what the viewer decides... because for everything you can go ... yes but ... anyways beyond the movie it just makes you think is all and I like that. I also really love the actors. There's something extremely comforting in trusting certain actors to pick good movies. I will always love Leonardo DiCaprio.....ever since Titanic. He's one of those actors that you can tell acts because it's something that he can't live without doing. It's the same thing with artists and musicians. I guess I just have a lot of respect for actors like this. And once again I love Joseph Gordon Levitt.....I have ever since he was in Angels in The Outfield... one of my favorite movies as a child.

There is a really large creepy spider spinning a web on my front porch. I'm too afraid to get rid of it. I keep expecting the spider to drop down from the ceiling or something and stare me down. I'm starting to feel like Ron Weasley.

I really hate that New American Paintings cost 20 bucks. There is just really awesome work in it. Especially this guys paintings. They caught my eye as I was flipping through and they are supper exciting. My brain is shot so I'm not even gonna bother to talk about them. They are just really beautiful formally and conceptually. P.S. His name is Gregory Thielker.

Since I wrote the post I fixed that sharp contrast on the left, but it's still not done. This drawing's at the point where it's going to be a constant struggle

Spiders and Charcoal

These photographs of the drawing I'm working on connect with that earlier post about Time and Light so I'm not going to be even more redundant than I already am. Go back and re-read that post it explains these photographs.

I totally blame my lack of efficiency this past week on a spider. I jumped to conclusions when I thought the tiny spider I killed last Sunday was a brown recluse. I was about to leave the house and get things checked off my to do list but I ended up spending two hours looking up spiders on the internet which freaked me out even more. I wouldn't admit this if I didn't think it seemed so entertaining; I am neurotic enough that I slept with my glasses on and a flashlight and heavy book next to my bed that night. In my defense I was on the hunt for palmetto bugs as well. They like to slip under my back door when it rains. I'm still not use to Florida bugs ick. I put paper towels in front of the bottom of the door. This is a problem though because I'm now afraid to go out on my back porch where my washer and dryer are and I have a pile of laundry that needs to get done. Stupid spider.

On to way more important things. I had some more realizations about my work process. Because I make these charcoal drawings by shading in the value and then smudging parts, it's even harder for me to finish the drawing. I find myself wanting to leave stuff untouched once I shade in values. Every slight change in the drawing is something only I experience and I think that's part of the beauty of the process of these things. It's not the finished product that drives me but the difficulty I have NOT leaving stuff unfinished if that even makes any sense. And all of that becomes part of the overall concepts of these drawings. On a certain level these drawings are simply ABOUT drawing; about the beautiful relationship of charcoal and paper.

500 Days of Summer/ Photography

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsD0NpFSADM

There are numerous reasons to love 500 Days of Summer but I particularly enjoy the color palette and selective visual shots and how they interact with the music. Also, the opening is just super exciting with the usage of old film. I feel like old film automatically puts a romanticized spin on things.

I was obsessing over this movie at the end of last fall semester when I was thinking in terms of memory rather than time. I was also focusing a lot more on the nature of photographs in connection with my work. "Long ago it must be, I have a photograph. Preserve your memories, they're all thats left you" is a direct quote from one of the songs in the movie. More PROOF that photographs and memory have a clear and strong connection. "A moment, a love, a dream, a laugh " from another song just creates a nice visual.

The thing about photographs is that they edit information. They are documentation of reality that has occurred but it is selective truth. The viewer can only know what actually happened unless they were there. Since they alter fact isn't creating artwork from photographs taking that fact to yet another level of illusion? It allows for even more situations to be set up. Isn't that what humans often do in their heads? Set up possible instances that could have happened or that they hope to happen? I feel like this all dances around words such as fantasy, illusion, and romanticism. Taboo cliches in reality. It took me a while to admit that a lot of my work deals with romanticism (not as in romantic love) but more in terms of an idealized view of life. That's what old photographs do. As much as I would like to imagine people in the 1940s walking around in a sepia tone mist, actuality is that it wasn't anything different from the world we experience today.

Also, I adore Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Epiphanies

Over the past few weeks I have had multiple epiphanies, things that I couldn't realize at the beginning of the summer because I was too busy freaking out about my life. The shock is finally wearing off. So below are some realizations that I've had as well as some random thoughts.

1. Everything REALLY is going to be okay.

2. I need to have more fun. I'm way to young to worry so much. I don't have to have everything accomplished for the day to go out and have fun with my friends. I'm impatient and I need to realize things don't happen overnight.

3. School really is over and pretty soon most of the people at Flagler that I know will move on too. It's not like making art is over. I have my whole life for that. I WILL meet new people and keep in touch with those that matter. It's not like Flagler is disappearing off the face of the planet and it's not like I can't visit St. Augustine when I eventually leave it. There are so many experiences that are waiting for me and I frustrate myself by holding on to past ones that have been good. They were awesome time periods in my life, but it's time to move on.

3. Art people are crazy. We may appear to LOOK normal (most of the time) but listen to us talk for a while and you'll see what I mean. But it makes sense. There are definitely times when you can call some stuff out for being a lot of b.s. but most of the time it makes sense, it's why we do things...and it's really simple. And while it may seem like we are talking about nonsense it's really not. It's like a secret artist language.

4. I watch a lot of reality television. The combination of the Jersey Shore and Project Runway on the same night is super exciting.

5. While watching yet another reality T.V. show, The Rachel Zoe Project, I had a reminder of how much I miss Paris (even though I've only been there twice for a few days at a time). Rachel goes there for fashion week and seeing the shots of Paris made me want to book a one way ticket there that very second.

6. I think I'm ready for New York. Growing up less than an hour away, I never ever thought I could live there, but I think I'm ready for it. There's no city like it in the world, and even though I'm totally romanticizing the starving artist thing in my head, reality is that there are numerous opportunities there. I'm sort of missing the excitement of New York. There are also more opportunities for meeting people. I think I need to book a flight home to visit.

7. Or Paris. I should move to Paris. I seem to have it in my head that I need to go to grad school soon. I have a plan. I also seem to think that I need money in order to make Paris happen. Truth of the matter is I can pick up and move to Paris anytime I want. If I'm gonna be a poor starving artist why can't I do that from the most beautiful city in the world? I am sort of afraid that living there would take away from the magic of it. I had enough guts to study abroad in London for a semester, question is could I really move to Paris?

8. My caffeine addiction could be a lot worse but it's still pretty bad. This was brought to my attention when on the way home from the gym (in the morning) I stopped at McDonald's NOT for food but for a diet coke. Usually people drink water after working out. Not me I went straight for the caffeine.

9. I really don't know how people wake up at 5 in the morning to go to the gym. I mean I always feel better after going but I can barely wake up at 9:30 to be someplace at 11.

There are more wonderful realizations that I've had. Moments that everything just seems so clear an clicks together. I'm just going to keep them to myself, but all of these epiphanies have been supper exciting to have.

Business Cards

I really don't know how I forgot this tidbit of information but around two weeks ago I had business cards made and I'm thrilled with how they came out! It's just exciting to have something to give someone when they ask what kind of art you do. I always have this sneaky suspicion that people pretend to be into art (really have no clue) or want to roll their eyes when I say I'm an artist. They usually have a look of shock on there faces when they see my work. It's like they realize I'm not joking. I take what I do seriously. Anyways back to the business cards... I need to start handing them out more... preferably to rich people who want to buy my art. Thanks again to the people who helped me with them! Technology, printers, and I really don't get along that well.

Last Wednesday

Last Wednesday (as in a week ago since I can never post things as they happen) was one of the most productive days of the summer. It was a perfect caffeine/forgetting to eat day. I just really enjoy being absorbed in making art to the point that I get annoyed when I realize I have to stop and do things such as eating. Seriously, food and sleep just get in the way of things. These are the days I make the most progress; days that my mind and body are completely 100% captivated. I got a good portion of the window finished and I'm really happy with how the shadows turned out!

Work of Art: The Next Great Artist was on that night so I decided to treat myself to some wine and I continued to draw with the T.V. on in the background. I haven't seen many episodes so I'm a little behind. It's definitely entertaining. Having it on in the background when I was drawing was interesting. I was listening to artists talk about art as I was making art.

Working for shorter periods of time is really annoying. I find that I'm taking a lot of quick breaks that turn into longer breaks. There are too many distractions at home. In the studio I just had to walk around the art building for a minute when I needed a break and I was right back to focusing on my work. I'm thinking that a good way of fixing this would be using my ipod instead of itunes... that way the temptation that is facebook and the internet won't be an arms reach away.

The reason for last week's productivity is that I had been ignoring the real world. The thing is, when you say screw reality it usually comes back to bite you in the ass (and there's no getting around facing it). I think I can continue to put things off for a while but it's subconsciously making me anxious. Somebody needs to teach me better time management... and how to become more of a morning person.

It's just frustrating that I have so many things I want to do. I'm not stuck with my art. The charcoal drawings have been a huge breakthrough in terms of my perceptions of my art. I know they are going to influence my pencil drawings and I still have this nagging urge to paint. Why does this have to occur when I'm done with school and can't dedicate all of my time to art making? I guess I should be happy I'm so inspired... I could've graduated and had no clue where to start.