I've never felt so unsettled in my whole life. There's always been school in my future. I'm not going to lie. I love school. Since I've graduated I've been denying the fact that I no longer attend Flagler College. I know grad school is in my future.. but what do I do until then? I avoided this question for a while before I had to face reality.
I think what I miss most about school is not seeing people on a daily basis. There's something nice about showing up to a place and knowing your friends are going to be there. You don't have to plan anything in advance. It's a guarantee that someone will be around to go on a caffeine run with you or distract you from working when you need a break. I was so spoiled being surrounded by wonderful creative people.
I won't be able to work on my art nearly as much as I used to and I hate that. I hate being forced to be at a place at a certain time (job). It has nothing to do with working. I work my ass off when I'm in school.... way way over a 40 hour "work week". It has more to do with being able to control the time in which I work. I also don't do well with not being productive. Standing outside Athena's restaurant for the past month trying to convince people to "try the best Greek food in town" has gotten to be boring and monotonous. (I think it was boring and monotonous after the first hour). The time just goes by so slowly and I feel so stuck there. I don't do well with feeling stuck. Why is it that I'm perfectly fine driving for hours and taking insanely long walks but I can't handle traffic or standing in one place? I think I have control issues which have nothing to do with normal control issues just this whole Time thing.
What really frustrates me is I had it so good this last semester. It was a really amazing year and I didn't enjoy it because I was too busy having panic attacks about the future. I was too sad about it all ending that I wasn't fully soaking it all in. It's too late now I can't go back and re-live it.
Sorry for the rambling, the whole point of this post is to say I WORKED ON A CHARCOAL DRAWING TODAY. By the time I couldn't handle not doing artwork (sometime around the end of May) I was too consumed figuring out this job thing to make time to draw. I think it has become almost physically painful to not make art. For the first time since graduating I feel like myself again. Words cannot describe the feeling. I couldn't focus with the T.V. on in the background and since there is never ever anything on television I turned it off and put on Stadium Arcadium (Jupiter CD) by the Chili Peppers (possible one of my all time favorite CDs) followed by some Norah Jones. I just can't put into words how happy it made me. Something about the music and drawing and music and drawing and some thinking. Drawing is just this amazing processing tool that I think my brain has greatly missed these past few months. I really love drawing insane amount of hours with little food and tons of caffeine to the point that I can't form sentences. It's exhilarating. Not that I did that today just, well, I miss it. There is no feeling like it in the world. I know I probably sound insane.
In other news: 1. I really hate cockroaches. I'm totally blaming there semi-invasion of my house on it being summer. 2. I still have bruises from being in the hospital two weeks ago. And people wonder why I can't handle having my blood taken. Every time is a traumatic experience. I was so delirious from fever and dehydration I was barely conscious and they are poking needles in me every chance I get. It's not the pain that bothers me just the thought of the needle. The hospital really wasn't that bad. It was just all the needles and not being able to stick my veins the first attempt. I think I was stuck 5 times? Just when I thought I was about to get the IV taken out after hours and hours (which they stuck 3 times before getting it). A guy comes in to take my blood! And can't get it on the first time! Anyway the bruise on my left wrist has kinda wrapped around the side of my wrist and doesn't show any signs of stopping. I'd like to seem them try to get the needles in me when I feel like a normal human being. The nurses don't stand a chance.
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